Rollercoaster World

I sit on the floor.

And I cry.

My heart aches. For you, for me, for us.

I feel frustration flow through every vein in my body. Although those same veins flow with a love so strong, it keeps me from killing you.

Me. Us.

How sad that our time apart is the only thing that keeps us together. How absurd that I crave those moments so badly then miss you so much when you’re gone.

Survival.

Headspace. I crave it.

A moment to hold a thought. To finish a feeling. To decide what happens next.

Everything a battle. A compromise. Hard work. Exhausting. And yet so much fun.

Your little quirks. Your moments of hilarity. Thank God for the light relief. That we can still find it in ourselves to laugh. Smile. See the funny side.

Sometimes laughter and tears fuse into one confusing, contradictory emotional explosion.

Our rollercoaster world.

Every emotion in a day, an hour, a minute. We scream, we shout, we laugh, we cry. We feel frustration with every bone in our body.

But we love.

Boy do we know how to love.

And laugh.

Everything at the extreme end of a feeling.

Feels like forever and yet gone in a flash.

The tightest hugs. So tight you can’t actually breathe. Is this love? Or are you trying to squeeze every last breath from my lungs.

Like the whack on the back; mid-embrace. So hard, that for just a second there is no air at all. No breath.

Claustrophobic.

Terrified.

Of you. Of me. Of what you or I might do. Of what we’re unable to do. Of what we’ll never do. Of what you will never know. Of the life we could have had.

Of being hurt, of hurting you; of not giving you the very best life has to offer. Of leaving you. Of what will happen if I’m not around ….

The bruises. The many bruises. The catalogue, the myriad of bruises. And my burning scalp.

Your bravery. My bravery. The bravery of your sister and the people who don’t need to be brave for you but who choose to be anyway. Who go out on a limb to help make your life a little easier. Brighter. Fuller. Safer.

Your bravery on a horse, on skates, in cold water. Your bravery just waking up in the morning and feeling a million feels and thinking a thousand thoughts and always, constantly worrying about what’s coming next.

Fight or flight?

I’ve reached the deepest depths of despair and yet haven’t scratched the surface.

My love for you is inexplicable. Unconditional. And the only reason I find the strength to cope.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I’ll do everything I can to help level out those anxieties. Those huge waves that overwhelm you; that come crashing down and threaten to wash you away. So you can’t feel your feet. Can’t secure yourself to the ground. Can’t be sure of anything or of where you’ll wash up or whether you’ll drown in the process.

My child. My little one. Baby in mind but adult in stature. Strength of an ox; weakness and vulnerability of a newborn lamb.

Smother you with love, support, guidance. Provide you with opportunities within the realms of possibility. Tiny possibilities. Huge steps.

Things are changing. Oh how I wish we’d known sooner. The importance of a name, a word. Label. Because with that name come opportunities, those tiny possibilities that give you more. Help. Money. Medicines that trigger the part of your brain that needs help.

Quality of life.

Life-changing opportunities in one, tiny little pill, no bigger than your finger nail. Who knew? And it’s the kindest thing. For you, for me, for all of us. Because it gives us the best of you. The best of me, the best of all of us.

The best future.

Who dares to think about the future and what that might look like? Not me. Not you. But I must prepare. I must ask the ‘what if’s?’ now. I must make absolutely sure that all the things are in place. All the questions have been asked.

So many questions ……

Hope.

The most important thing of all. For you. For me. For us. For the future. For YOUR future. We must have it. We must keep the faith that the future can be positive, happy, easier.

Time.

To quieten the mind. To process. To understand. We’re buying time for your mind. We’ve lost so much of it, that now, we must do everything we can to grapple it back. We must. And we will make the most of every. single. moment.

Cherish you. Me. Us.

Because at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Being together. Cherishing one another. Finding hope in the tiny cracks that show through. And love. And laughter.

When it’s all said and done, that’s what I’ll remember. And the rest won’t matter anymore as we find our place in it all.

And love.

And laugh.